With the Weekend Qualifier successfully under our belts, the Legends are now preparing themselves for the big one which is only 15 days away, yes my global audience 15 DAYS. So I asked myself, what has two consecutive days in the saddle taught me? Well here is just of a few things I have realised by spending a weekend with a League of Legends cycling up hill and down dale, loosing fillings and listening to your inner Bear Grylls with the hope that you make it through the day without puking.
- Legends like to sleep with their ride in the room.
- No one has a sense of humour at daft o’clock.
- If you come off your ride, your first reaction is to check your paintwork.
- The skin on my backside will resemble that of a wombat after day three.
- You can buy stuff for your ride when the wife is not in the country.
Yes friends and family, my darling wife or as a term of endearment The Minister for War & Finance has been visiting family in Blighty and has just returned home full of the joys of spring although extremely cream crackered. As head of the household, if only for a short time, I made several executive decisions which have elevated the carbon fibre stallion to the next level.
With blatant disregard to the possible consequences, I purchased new tyres, various mechanical parts, a full service, toe warmers and the pièce de résistance – a Wahoo ELEMNT Bolt GPS bike computer with all of the Bluetooth sensors. I purchased a device so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel (taken from Series 1 of Blackadder called The Black Adder aired on BBC1 from 15th June 1983 to 20th July 1983 with Rowan Atkinson as the antihero Edmund Blackadder). A device that will allow me to tailor any stage of the 1000ks 4 Kids to the geological demands God’s Own Country decides to throw at me. More importantly, it’s the most aerodynamic bike computer on the market today with bevelled edges and a wedge-shaped nose section that allows the carbon fibre stallion to cut through the oncoming head wind like Tom Cruise in the Last Samurai.
I have pimped my ride. I can hold my head high within the constipation on the understanding that my real-time analytics from various sensors on the carbon fibre stallion are centrally managed by The Bolt. Synchronised to the cloud to be scrutinised by a Data Scientist, then SFTPed back to The Bolt in the form of a dashboard where I react accordingly, all in milliseconds. Much the same as Lewis Hamilton and the Mercedes AMG F1 team, I will critique each stage based on Big Data and the information analysed by my works in-house Data Scientist known as ‘Doctor Who, no it is Dr’ Jimenez. To close this section and for the Trivial Pursuit (a popular family game created in 1979 in Montreal by Canadian Chris Haney) buffs among us, The Bolt is a far cry from The Analytical Engine, a device conceived and designed in 1833 by a British mathematician called Charles Babbage – pictured in the header.
And to cap things off a word from another one of my sponsors, Southern Cross Financial Planning. The Minister and I have known John and Trish since moving to Oz. To say John is one of the funniest skippies in Australia is an understatement, and he drives his wife, Trish crazy with his one liners – a trait I admire. That said I have entrusted John with the financial security of my family and I can safely say if you want to retire with loads of cash then book an appointment – tell John The English sent you!
Finally, I have made amends with the Fat Bloke, he got the hump with my last blog but I pointed out that ‘a middle-aged man in lycra with a slight increase in body mass index and is follicly challenged’ doesn’t have the same comedic value as FAT BLOKE – to be fair I could be his double ganger or was it me all along. As Toyah Willcox hit was titled, reaching No4 in the UK Top 40 in February 1981, It’s A Mystery.
Badger & Batbottom 