As arrival day comes to a close in Brizvegas a new chapter begins, Tour de Blogs – so sit back, make yourself comfortable and let the giggles begin, and I will take you through the day’s events. Stayed at Dishys last night as the Fairy King for some unknown reason arranged flights at daft o’clock, so Dishy and I were left with no alternative but to knock the head of a couple of Crankshaft IPAs before bed. Captain Dishpig had booked a taxi to pick up Team CSA at 4:15 AM, yes my global audience fifteen minutes past the hour of four in the bloody morning. It was still dark even the kookaburras were not awake, no dawn chorus that sounded like you are under attack by Orcs, making you question whether you were in Fletcher or Middle Earth – I, therefore, surmise that these Skippies are absolute madmen, and the Sheilas are not too far behind.
We head off to Newy airport, pass through the statutory security checks, it is too early to have a cheeky pint (yes Minister I had no alcohol whatsoever at 5:20 in the AM to take the edge off) and the League of Legends board flight JQ480 to Brisbane. The Legends are all smiling and full of the joys of what lies ahead in Brizvegas and the start of 1000ks 4 Kids. I, on the other hand, have a face on me like a ‘slapped arse’ as I am dreading taking off, an hour of turbulence, landing and the pilot did not even have a double-barrelled surname. Probably an excellent juncture to give you some background on two points;
- ‘slapped arse’ is Corby slag for crying or upset derived from the midwife giving a gently slap on a newborn baby’s backside to encourage its first breath, producing its first cry and a scrunched-up face.
- I always get some comfort when a pilots’ announcement goes something like, ’Good morning ladies and gentlemen welcome aboard flight JQ480 to Brisbane; this is your captain Sebastian Hansbury Smythe….’. British, Male pilot who sounds like he was educated at Eton College – sorry I know it’s wrong on several levels, but it’s my blog, and my intention is not to offend but contextualise my plight or should I say flight.
Do not worry family, I grew up in a steel town, where fear was not an option, I have wrestled with death on several occasions, stared him down, gave him a damn good thrashing and sent him on his way. Roughly translated there was nothing to worry about only a few bumps on landing but apart from that all good. The Legends boarded the CQ bus and headed in the general direction of Movie World where whispers began to circulate that we were doing the coasters. Would we be doing the Doomsday Destroyer, Green Lantern, Superman Escape or the DC Rivals Hypercoaster and of course Sylvester’s Pounce’n’Bounce for Dishy – NO IT WAS GOLF. Its right next door to all the exciting stuff, you can see all the rides from the driving range – we had to buy Dishy a Tom & Jerry cap to console him. So the golf, Dad taught me two things about golf, interconnect two fingers when holding the club and keep your eye on the ball (I think the same thing was said to Steve Smith when he faced Jofra Archer and how did that end Skippies). Anyway not too bad at the range scored 481 and get two holes in ones on the White and Blue flags – Dad would be proud. Sadly it was not enough, and we missed the cut (golfing term for the unfamiliar among us), but The Fairy King’s team did (questionable), his best mates team did, who’s hairstyle reminds me of Shirley Temple (dodgy) and Fat Bloke (bloody dodgy).
Anyway, Shirley Temple won, Fat bloke second and the Fairy King third.
With a rendition of ‘Good Ship Lollypop’ in my head, we head to our 5-star hotel or should I say the Big4 Holiday camp. I pick up the Carbon Fibre Stallion and head to Cabin 12 where Team CSA will be staying for the first night of 1000ks 4 kids.
All the newbies meet at the entertainment centre (translation: big hall with a table tennis table in it with two bats and no ball, standard Butlins arrangement) to be briefed, then the banquet begins and the fines system which I do not have a Scoobie Doo what’s happening.
To close and in anticipation of Day 1 of the 2019 1000ks 4 Kids, I close with one of Britains’ famous rock bands Queen and Bicycle Race. Released on their 1978 album Jazz, reaching No11 in the UK Top 40 and written by Freddie Mercury, apparently, he was inspired by watching the 18th stage of the 1978 Tour de France passing through Montreux. Released as a double A-side single together with Fat Bottomed Girls, the song was notable for its video featuring a bicycle race with nude women at Wimbledon Stadium, controversial at the time, with the video being edited or even banned in several countries – ENJOY!
Badger & Batbottom 