Tora ! Tora ! Tora !

NO, It’s not S&M but…

Seven weeks since 1000ks 4 Kids and I have decided to make my blogs monthly until things ramp up for the next ride.  October has been and gone, so what’s happened I hear you cry.  Get comfortable and I will tell you all about it with some spooky facts to start the segway seeing as its Halloween.  In 1987 Clive Barker wrote and directed a British horror film based on his book The Hellbound Heart, the subsequent film was called Hellraiser.  Bloody scary if you’re asking and not for the faint-hearted.  It involves the resurrection of a bloke called Frank who opened the door to an alternate dimension and had his body torn to pieces by creatures known as Cenobites.  But there is an interesting occurrence that ended up on the cutting room floor, Frank…

…was holding a Rubik’s cube as he entered the door.  On that note, the Rubik’s cube was first released in May 1980 where initial sales were modest.  By the end of 1980, the Rubik’s Cube had won Germany’s Game of the Year award and similar awards for best toy in the UK, France, and the US.  By 1981 the Rubik’s Cube had become a craze, and it is estimated that in the period from 1980 to 1983, around 200 million Rubik’s Cubes were sold worldwide.  Well…

…it’s not that I can solve the Rubik’s Cube while clocking up the miles on the Carbon Fibre Stallion that’s interesting, but the unusual selection of headgear some cyclists are forced to wear during October.  Yes, my global audience its MAGPIE season in God’s Own Country and there are a lot of cyclists that resemble Hellraiser but in lycra.  Those little winged terrors dive bomb with the sun behind them little some kind of feathered kamikaze pilot and their battle cry when slowed down by my mate Brian, the sound engineer, I swear sounds like Tora !  Tora !  Tora !

Now Magpies are not Japanese nor are they bloodthirsty winged ear seeking projectiles with razor-sharp claws and a beak that can puncture a can of Irn Bru, well they are, but they are also protective parents.  The Gymnorhina Tibicen or the Australian Magpie for the non-Latin speaking among us and for my Japanese followers, the Kasasagi is a medium-sized black and white passerine bird native to Australia and southern New Guinea with BLOODY SHARP CLAWS.  Well at this time of the year in good old Newy my training program takes me through the nesting grounds of Magpies not once but three times no less.  Stop the cries of frustration, I know I can change my route, but the reason I haven’t is that they are bloody everywhere.  Newy has miles of fantastic beaches, but they also have acres of trees where these feathered urban terrorists decide to nest and bring up a family of trainee feathered urban terrorists.

The question is how this Blog can help.  Glad you asked, here are the facts and then how to avoid an attack or Swoop as its commonly referred to.  Magpies breed between August and October every year, and it’s during this time that their protective swooping behaviour is in full force.  The good news is that a single Magpie will swoop for only about six weeks until their chicks are fledged and leave the nest, so Magpie breeding season is usually all over by November.  Furthermore it’s the males that defend their nests from the time the eggs are laid until the young birds are fledged, and they will attack anything they consider to be a threat, from a raven or a dog to a human, even Nuns – I’ve got a funny story for you at the end. Magpies only swoop within 50 metres of their nests so stay away from known Magpie nesting areas or cycle bloody fast.  Also, Magpies usually go back to the same spot every year, so if there was a swooping danger zone on your route last year, it is likely to be there again this year.

IDEA, I’m in the technology game so I’m going to write an App on swooping locations and retire on the financial rewards of a bloody good idea (maybe I should tell you lot that until I have a patent, but I got the concept from a BBC news report from Rio de Janeiro where they use an App to tell locals where the Police are in gunfights with Drug Cartels – anyway back to my first world problem).  As the App is still in development here are my tips.

1. Buy a shotgun – only joking!

Seriously my tips…

1. Don’t be the last rider in the Constipation, sit mid-pack and let the eejit at the back cop it, if you’re on your own, refer to point 1 – still joking!
2. Protect your ears with those weird looking ear warmers that make you look really professional – I believe Geraint Thomas wore one when he won the Tour de France but he is Welsh.
3. Protect your neck – invest in a fabric mullet, again really professional looking and is great for attracting the Sheila’s.
4. Make eye contact even with sunglasses on – roughly translated, stare that MOFO down, pretty difficult as Magpies swoop from behind and parked cars could be a problem.
5. Roaster crest on the side of the helmet with one hand and the other controls the bike – think of it as jazz hands for feathered urban terrorists .
6. But the pièce de résistance or the one favoured by grey-haired cyclist CABLE TIES hence the Hellraiser association – I thank you!

To finish, I have a true story.  My first day at my new job two years ago I was swooped by a Magpies nesting outside the Sacred Heart Cathedral where I parked my car in a rush to get to work, it drew blood by the way.  Later that week I heard that the same Magpie swooped two Nuns – must have been an Anglican Magpie! (that bit was for comedic value only and remember, Magpies can be of any religious denomination).

I have recorded my training ride for your visual pleasure – cheers.