Pinch, punch…

On the first of the month, but remember to get in and no returns or else you are in for a battering for being a smart arse child as the playground can an urban jungle and very intimidating! So how did this monthly hand to hand, close combat ritual start in school playgrounds the length and breadth of good old blighty?  DISCLAIMER: As usual, the septics (septic tanks = Yanks in Cockney rhyming slang) recon they got there first, which is a change from the Greeks because they keep banging on about coming up with or inventing everything. I digress.

According to the septics, President George Washington began the tradition.  He would meet with Indian tribes (or native Americans for the PC crowd!) on the first day of each month, giving them fruit punch with a pinch of salt.  Hence pinch punch on the first of the month.  OK, let’s just break this down and focus on some of the detail. Who in their right mind would give someone a fruit drink with feckin SALT in it.  Not the President of America, that’s who!!! 

Here’s the real deal my global audience. This whole thing goes way back to a medieval tradition that has quite simply been passed down from parent to child for centuries.  The UK has too many bizarre superstitions and generally odd things going on to discuss now, but this was the traditional way of getting rid of witches.  It’s true. Salt weakens witches, fact, to demonstrate let me take you back in time 1457…………

Say you were walking along a path in medieval Nottingham, having a morning stroll before breakfast to work up an appetite. Suddenly a witch jumps out from behind a tree, cackles and points her wand at you in a menacing fashion.  You have a decision to make, and pretty dam quickly.  So do you burst into tears, fall to the ground, curl up into the fetal position and hope for the best.  Or do you reach into your pocket, grab some salt which any good medieval walker carries with them, throw it at the aforementioned witch and administer an uppercut rendering the witch incapacitated. The later allows you to continue your morning stroll unhindered whilst looking forward to your full English without being turned into a FROG!!!

Well, my global audience, you now have the truth.  Saying the words pinch punch on the first of the month was a way of welcoming in a new month and protecting yourself from bad luck – I thank you.

Short interlude for some gratuitous advertising!

Oh, there is a better way of ensuring you don’t start your school day by running the gauntlet of kids trying to batter you in the name of a medieval tradition.  Just shut out WHITE RABBITS.  No one will think you’re weird, trust me.  Also, please do not think that I condone any form of violence towards women. Still, even Bear Grills would offer the same advice to a man confronted by a witch up to no good and menacingly yielding a loaded wand in your general direction. I’m sure some salt in the eyes and a swift uppercut will be deemed a proportional and measured response by any judge.  I would like to point out that women can also unleash the fury of salt and an uppercut, and this blog has only been written in a male context to enhance its comedic value.

But it’s not all about witches, table accouterments and sparring with the opposite sex. This blog is about 1000k4Kids, Camp Quality and a bunch of cycling Legends doing 1025ks in the name of kids battling cancer.  I know I keep banging on about fundraising, but it’s true I need more sponsorship, and I am willing to offer you an opportunity, or you will leave me with no alternative but to go all Bob Geldoff on you.  You can sponsor me by clicking on the Camp Quality face below, which will take you to my sponsorship page.

Now, if you are an organisation that can donate something that I can sell to my fellow Legends during the ride, I’m happy to have a chat.  All proceeds will go directly to Camp Quality, and your products will help kids have a weekend away to have fun and be a kid again, PLUS you get a shout out on this blog!  So in true Sir Bob style, don’t feckin think about it, get in feckin touch people and get in touch feckin now – Inspirational

Some of you may think I’m mad creeping into the living room at 2 AM to watch football, but I’m not.  This month has been bloody good for us, and we have on the whole been playing some good football as we enter the international break. The mighty QPR sit in 12^th position with 50 points and without any further delay, to the scores. We were beaten by Barnsley 3:1, we beat Wycombe 1:0, beaten by Huddersfield 1:0, beat Millwall 3:2 and draw with Reading 1:1.  A pretty average month as results go, but we were trailing by two goals at half time in the Millwall game. I guess the gaffer gave the boys the hairdryer treatment then we put 3 in the old onion bag to win the game.  As I keep saying best league in the world outside the Premier League.

Last month I gave you a balanced and measured review of Cycliq’s Fly6 Gen3, well my global audience, my replacement should be arriving very soon as I have just received a shipment email.  Hopefully it will be here for the Mailrun, Yes the best 100k charity ride is almost upon us. I have just registered, and next month’s blog will be all about it.  Just before I start wrapping thing up, I will be for the first time turning this very blog into a Podcast. Yes people, I’m going verbal in a bid to attract even more followers than the nineteen I have now.  As I’m new to this, I will use the default options like the very posh woman’s voice to see how it goes and if I like it, it will become a new feature with my good self transiting into voice overs.  Yes, people you can read or listen to A Newbies’ Blog, the choice will be yours. With that, if you want to show your appreciation, please FOLLOW or at least LIKE.

Before I forget…

For those who are now completely lost and haven’t got a clue what’s going on, let me enlighten you. It’s the witch (pinch punch reference) from Chorlton and the Wheelies, an 80s British children show on ITV.  It was set in Wheelie World, inhabited by the wheelies who were a race of creatures who had three wheels instead of feet.  Now the wheelies were in an ongoing battle with Fenella the Kettle Witch, who spoke in a VERY strong Welsh accent which no one could understand, apart from the Welsh that is and she lived in Spout Hall, an oversize kettle.  Chorlton was a happiness dragon who loved having fun and being generally happy all the time, which didn’t go down well with Fenella. Not only did Fenella hate happiness, she spied on the wheelies using a large telescope (weird) and could teleport herself around the joint (disturbing).  All this added up to hours of fun for all ages and was the source of many a nightmare, but that was the 80s for you!

With that, I bid you farewell for another month, and you may noticed I haven’t mentioned April Fools Day until now.  Be safe people, social distance as it saves lives, respect our front liners, get the jab when it’s offered to you and for pity sake, look after the oldies! – SAVVY!