It’s Christmas morning 1982. The UK is covered in a white blanket due to The Big Snow of ‘82, which is great for snowball fights with the kids in Vian Way but bad for the Toby Jugs (slang for lugs or ears) as the most irritating Christmas No1 is everywhere, Renee and (bloody) Renato with Save Your (feckin) Love. As a 15-year-old, Santa is a distant memory, the thought of a drove of elves (collective noun right there people) building toy soldiers in the North Pole is a thing of the past. But there will still be presents waiting for me under the tree left by a family who is challenged with what to buy the youngest child (or, as my brothers put it, Mum & Dad’s spoilt little brat). Well, my sisters were thoughtful, my parent asked (the best option by far), but my brothers would always buy me MAN STUFF (well, probably my sisters-in-law did the purchasing, but that detracts from the story!). The weapon of choice for a young man entering the Colosseum of Love and starting his journey down the road of adulthood was OLD SPICE aftershave.
The purchase acknowledged two very important stages in a man’s life. Shaving and the need to smell manly when entertaining the ladies. Yes, the complicated world of women is knocking on the door, and you need to be on your A-Game before answering to ensure you reap the rewards offered by the fairer sex. Now, as we all know, attention from the opposite sex was essential at fifteen. Still, I want to make something very clear about Old Spice, sit down, gentlemen, as this will be hard to take in. Old Spice was initially marketed at women. I don’t mean the recipient’s odour inhalation but its application. Steady on there, Clive from Grimsby, I do not mean in a sexy kind of way. I mean, it was originally a perfume – for feck’s sake, I have been given a fragrance, not an aftershave. How does that help my cause when trying to convince the ladies to rip off their clothes as I open the door to the Colosseum of Love. Sit back my global audience, strap yourself in, and in the words of Robbie Williams, let me entertain you.
I’d buy it, or the sisters-in-law did – moving on!
In 1933 at the height of America’s depression (yes, the septics came up with Old Spice), a bloke called Willian Schultz created a bar of soap with a colonial theme. The ladies couldn’t get enough of it because its fragrance was a blend of rose petals and tangy spices, making it, as the septics put it, patriotic – for feck’s sake, America. Moving swiftly on to 1938, some bright spark suggested selling the soap with a shaving mug and brush and hey presto, the cavernous divide between feminism and masculinity was bridged by Old Spice, and a whole new product line was born – shaving products that women liked, pure genius people.
Good old Billy Schultz surfed his success through to the 70s until they dropped the woman’s perfume – stop right there and take note of the date, so technically, it was an aftershave when I splashed it all over Harry (shit wrong aftershave that was Brut with Henry Cooper and Barry Sheene). Struggling through the 80s, which is when my brothers invested in Old Spice for their younger brother as it was cheap, sales dropped. Old Spice was no longer the weapon of choice for the sexually active male or a young lad starting down the road to discovery, so to speak. Fast-forwarding to 2008, when Old Spice couldn’t even be given away, the following ad reinvented OLD SPICE.
I have only one thing to say “Well Done Wieden and Kennedy” for coming up with an award-winning ad entitled The Man You Wish Your Man Could Smell Like, enjoy my global audience.
Incoming people!!!!!!
If Old Spice can reinvent itself and increase sales, then so can A Newbies’ Blog and increase readers to boot. As I have not posted for a couple of months it is an ideal juncture to do something slightly different but with the same result, laughter. My last blog was back in May, and since then, Covid has run amuck, Melbourne became renowned for being subjected to the most prolonged lockdown globally (thank feck I’m not a Victorian), small businesses have gone to the wall and Biden cannot stay awake. I consider myself very fortunate as it’s been tougher for many that said I was let go from my position, not because of Covid, in fact, I don’t know as my new boss wouldn’t tell me but here is what I do know. The CEO had a pet project which wasn’t going according to plan, and he had invested a lot of corporate dollars in a duffer. So, he brought in a new COO (my new boss) to try and get things back on track, who, as the local papers reported it as a person the courts had heavily fined for misappropriating funds as a local councillor.
Two weeks after starting, I was gone without reason, told that I had exceeded expectations and thanked for getting the organisation through Covid. That’s not the kicker. They say you should not always believe what is written in the papers (but in this case they pretty much nailed it) and that everyone deserves a second chance to turn themselves around. I welcomed this Judas in but on reflection and with all things considered, the kicker wasn’t the wolf in sheep’s clothing but the unspoken law of Jailhouse Rules – here is the gist of the rule we do not speak of.
When you find yourself incarcerated, surrounded by rogues’ intent on doing you no good during your stretch at Her Majesty’s pleasure, you are going to have to rely on yourself in what can only be described as a very competitive environment. What options do you have at your disposal? Well, only one. Take out the Top Dog by any means possible (Jailhouse Rules right there). This utterly professional new aged technologist (that’s me!!!) with runs on the board (still me!!!) and respected by his team (still me!!!) posed a threat (oh shit!!!). Now my new boss was used to playing dirty and was finding it challenging to move allegiance from a brilliant, friendly and all-round good guy (still me by the way) to someone who needs to establish themselves (that’s not me). So how does a person who needs to be surrounded by YES men (I’m coining a phrase so calm down gender police) get people on side? Remove the competition or, in this scenario, the Top Dog (that’s me) by ceasing his contract without reason or explanation, that’s how.
With the unspoken rule outline by way of a real-life example fast forward a couple of months. If you wake up in the morning to see the sun in a blue sky, feel the wind against your face and hear the birds sing, then it’s a good day. It was a difficult time, and I have moved on, but I found it hard to leave some good friends behind but that’s life. That said, sometimes it’s about you and your needs, so I threw caution to the wind and become a techno-mercenary. I want to work not so much pimping myself out to the highest bidder but work with people and organisations I want to work with. The last few months have taught me that you should do what you enjoy doing, and remember, as one door closes, another will eventually open. So, my blog will change to something I have always wanted to do, bouncing balls (metaphorically speaking, people!). I will be blogging about stuff that makes me laugh, helps my mental well-being, and if I can make you giggle, then winner, winner chicken dinner – as the skippies say.
I’m changing the title to something that has a special meaning to me. I will always start my blog with a fact that creates a bouncing ball as I meander through a subject until I deliver a comedic punch line (hopefully). Before I wrap up, I will bring the curtain down on A Newbies’ Blog with a clip of my daughter singing at her Christmas concert. Now keep in mind that its live, my daughter has been practicing in the shower for months, the pianist played the song in the wrong key and Lo music teacher was trying to get her to keep going – all add up to a fantastic performance which made her parents very proud.
With that, be safe people, be Covid aware, respect our front liners, get the jab when it’s offered, choose life and for pity’s sake, look after the oldies! – SAVVY!
See you in the New Year with the launch of Badgers and Batbottoms
Oh the Ashes have started and the skippies got our batsman out with the first ball of the game – FOR FECKS SAKE!!!!!!!!
Badger & Batbottom 