Only mad dogs and…

Englishmen go out in the midday sun”.  A phrase first coined by Rudyard Kipling way back when – as I can not find the date, I will move swiftly on.  Noel Coward used the line in a song he wrote called “Mad Dogs and Englishmen”, which was first performed at the Music Box Theatre in New York in 1931.  Oh, it is Sir Noel Peirce Coward, by the way as he was knighted in 1972, received an honorary Doctor of Letters by the University of Sussex in 1972, had a theatre named after him  – god he was a genius.

Small writing in the pic –  No camels were injured or harmed during the writing of this blog for the purpose of comedic value or content.

At this juncture which is just before my creative writing juices start to flow, it is an ideal opportunity to talk about A Newbies’ Blog – the REBOOT!.  In my last blog titled Not Bloody Old Spice…I discussed the unspoken law of Jailhouse Rules (I know, Laws and Rules are different things but go with it, people!) and decided to change the style of my blog, with that, the name.

WELCOME, my global audience; I give you the inaugural blog of Badger and Batbottom.  “Where did you get the name” I hear you ask. Well, make yourself comfortable. My daughter Lola was born on the 6^th June 2006 (I will let you catch up and reflect on the date, by the way), and as all parents know, sleep deprivation is commonplace with a newborn.  As the years rolled by, Lola grew into a little bundle of joy that took over every waking minute of our lives, especially my wife. As a Husband and Father, I had the daunting task of bedtime stories.  I would like to point out that the mother-in-law sent us the best children’s book I have ever read, aiding me in my plight.

Enough gratuitous advertising and back to bedtime stories.  Inspired by this little mole, I decided to make up my own stories about two nocturnal creatures, a badger and his best mate, a batbottom.  Right, how did I come up with these two loveable rogues.  Well, the badger was based on my big brother Billy whose nickname was Badger, and Batbottom was a bottom with wings that used his farts as sonar, much the same as a bat uses its squeak.  My global audience, I give you the nightly adventures of Badger and Batbottom. Keep an eye out as I will, without warning, tell up one of my stories, and by the end of the year, if feedback is good, maybe I will publish these two loveable rogues so your children can have adventures as Lola did – and I can coin it in!

Now, Mad Dogs and Englishmen and that bloody great giant of a lobster pictured above.  The feckin big lobster is a tourist attraction in Kingston, South Australia. Known to the locals as Larry, he is a spiny lobster that stands 17m tall and is regarded as the most impressive of Australia’s Big Things, of which there are over 150 scattered across this fine island.  We have a big Banana, Sheep, prawn, Galahs, Avacado, can of Tooheys, Koala and of course, The Big Kookaburra in Kurri Kurri NSW.

Moving on from Big Things and back to my train of thought, my global audience, I give you,

The first bounce is some interesting facts about Nephropidae, the scientific name for lobster if you’re not Sir David Attenborough or Jacques Cousteau – who both read this blog even though Jac is dead, anyway the facts,

• They never stop growing
• They are feckin cannibals – Hanibal Lecter crustacean right there people!
• Females are the players – they make the first move
• They taste through their legs
• The feckin giant claw, known as the ripper, exerts up to 100 pounds!
• They regenerate their limbs
• Their shells were once used to make golf balls – FOUR!
• Once upon a time, they were the go-to prison food.

Moving on from the lobster, The Minister for War & Finance (my wife) gave me a ticket for Day 4 of the Sydney Ashes Test.  Oh yeah, my global audience, this Englishmen (another bounce) went to the Ashes this year even though the pomes got battered – we didn’t in Sydney, coincidence.  So here was the plan, the Minister booked a hotel for two nights, and we set off bright and early on the Friday to go shopping (marital compromise gentlemen – happy wife, happy LIFE!).  I googled the weather in transit, and I was informed that the meteorological forecast was 100% Storms from 11 am for my day at the cricket. I outlined my dilemma to the Minister, who suggested dropping me at the ground so that I could get ¾ of the Friday in as a bonus.

Typically, I would question the Minister to ascertain whether aliens had abducted my wife or a doubleganger, but I said YES without hesitation.  After buying a ticket for Day 3 and with the Barmy Army in fine spirits, I took my seat in the middle of a row full of skippies. To set the scene for the day, I was wearing Barmy Army merchandise consisting of shorts and a top with the new look logo splattered everywhere – all good because I was the centre of constructive criticism or jolly banter as we pomes like to say for the duration.  With a few Canadian Clubs in hand, I settled into a fine day of watching the skippies rip through the English batting order with a blatant disregard for sportsmanship.

After a refreshing nights sleep, I walked to the ground full of optimism whilst enjoying my coffee and croissant. With the sun shining in all its glory, you could not imagine the meteorological expectation of storms. As I reached the SCG, I joined the other fans, which must have resembled an Army of Ants marching in formation. As my posterior hits the seat, England out – for FECK’s SAKE!

One must always look on the brighter side – England is bowling. The Barmy Army starts singing ‘Jimmy, Jimmy give us a wicket’ to Daisy Daisy. With the fickle finger of fate point at me, I focus my mobile at David Warner as Jimmy leave his mark, preparing to launch England balling attack…

With a few more Canadian, I settled in for as much cricket as I could consume before the inevitable storms hit and the hessian is pulled out by the ground staff ending the days play.  Six Canadians later, it starts to spit with rain; the inevitable storm is upon us, but there are only two balls left in the day.  Yes, I have been sitting in the midday sun (final bounce) all fecking day and resembled the colour of a lobster being prepared for that culinary delicacy Lobster Thermidor.

My Global Audience I give my first Badger & Batbottom’s Bouncing Ball, “Only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun” – I thank you.

With that, be safe people, be Covid aware, respect our front liners, get the jab when it’s offered – if you choose to, enjoy life and for pity’s sake, look after the oldies! – SAVVY!