A waddle of King Penguins…

Giggles then how I slapped Death in the face with a smoked kipper

I was awoken by the movements of riders excitingly preparing for the next section of the Weekend Qualifier.  The sounds of riders adjusting their bikes and generally lightening the load in terms of body weight in the bathroom right next to my room was motivating – OH its 5 AM by the way you madmen!.  So Day 2 is apron us, it’s like Christmas morning, and all the excited skippies are busying themselves getting ready as if it’s a first date, giggling and dressing to impress.

So it’s daft O’clock again, and everyone makes their way to the pub for breakfast, I tether the carbon fibre stallion to a tree in the car park and make my way to the main bar.  What a feast, all of the food groups are represented and everything you need to fuel the legs for the endurance section – roughly translated steep hills or from a geological perspective MOUNTAINS.  The plan for Day 2:

• Meet at the pub for breakfast at 6:15 AM.
• Start rolling at 7 AM.
• Cruise out of Dungog to Bingleburra.
• Conquer the Bingles.
• Navigate the Bingles decent.
• Cruise to Raymond Terrace.
• Roll into Jayco – job done!

That sounds like a plan.  Joined the queue to be breathalysed and walked out into the fresh morning air, the old orchestras resume their natural position in the armpits because it is brass monkeys again.  Some smart arse informs the Legends that its 1°C warmer this beautiful morning – Orchestra Stalls to that.  Didn’t check the undercarriage as my hands were that cold I did want my eyes to pop out like a scene from Who Framed Roger Rabbit.  Untethered the stallion and joined the constipation ready for Day 2.  Quick briefing then AT DAWN WE RIDE, AGAIN.

Organised ourselves into an orderly formation of doubles and rolled out of town looking like a waddle of King Penguins trekking across the Antarctic.  Stop the run through, family I have to make you aware of an important fact, the skippies always like to point out to the Pomes that when it’s cold or raining that its “like a summers day back home and don’t care much for your pebble beaches neither”.  Anyway, we march onto the Bingles where the yellow jerseys guide us over to the verge to stop us being taken out by cattle lorry’s, the waddle continues.  Then it appears like a geological monster taunting the Newbies with the yellow jerseys shouting “don’t break formation, don’t break formation” reminding me of Russel Crow in the arena scene of Gladiator – we advance.  Got to the top of the Bingles, job done with King cycling alongside I hear the phrase that struck fear into my joyful disposition “calm before we enter the eye of the storm” – YOU WHAT!

Then it appears out of the frosty haze THE BINGLES, 1.3ks with 393m of elevation representing 8.2% of pure pain.  Yes, my global audience, God’s Own Country has just chucked a curve ball and what do you do with a curve ball – knock it out of the park.  The waddle marches on and we conquer the Bingles in our own time.  We regrouped at the top where we are clapped in – BIG TICK IN BOX.  Proud moment for all the Legends but especially the Newbies, it’s now getting very real.

The descent was dangerous, so King wants the Newbies to partner a returning rider, and we are to follow their lines and brake alternately front and back so that the brakes don’t overheat (if you didn’t know, when your brakes overheat they tend to pop your tyres, MENTAL).  I have Dishy who acts a windbreak for all of the following riders, and we regroup at the bottom.  Take a break, refill and we roll onto the food break at Patterson where the support crew have the food group that Australia was built on, no not Vegemite but PIES with as much tomato sauce as you can shake a rear derailleur hanger at.  Replenished and we roll onto Raymond Terrace then along the highway to Jayco – JOB DONE!

Absolutely sterling job by the Legends and we now cannot wait for September 6^th when we do the life-changing ride known as 1000ks 4 Kids.

Now for the smoked kipper. I feel the need to set the records straight as I have received some feedback, which I think is a bit harsh.

To the untrained eye, my fall during Day 1 may have appeared to be my good self pushing another rider in an attempt to save myself.  As I say, to the untrained eye, I may have been mistaken for some kamikaze rider, but to the trained eye, a very different story unfolds.  To set the scene, the carbon fibre stallion has been tuned to my body and is an extension of in terms of weight distribution and balance plus the cycling conditions during the collision were less than favourable.

SO, towards the end of the descent on the Stroud Hill Road, I had a speed wobble trying not to hit potholes, or within the cycling fraternity it is known as a Death Dive. A terrifying situation where all the conditions are outside your control, and with supreme athletes like myself, survival instincts kick in.  I am shifting on a road littered with potholes, fillings are being dislodged at an alarming rate, and the old orchestras are bouncing around as if they were in a Lottery number draw machine.  All of these conditions do not complement a finely tuned racing machine, hence the collision.  During the Death Dive, I clipped the rear tyre of a female rider who then entered the Death Dive.  Falling towards the road at high speed, I hear the voice of Bear Grylls advising me to “guide the fat bloke that is alongside you to the grass verge, land the other rider on the fat bloke, he will cushion the girl, but Craig, only two will be saved”.  With a total disregard for my safety, I manoeuvred the unsuspecting fat bloke to the grass verge and female rider towards the fat bloke and to safety, all in milliseconds.  My ninja-like instincts and with the support of Bear, the fat bloke landed safely on the grass verge and the girl safely cushioned without damage.  I crashed at high speed on the road sustaining knee damage with a lot of claret, so much so my roommate who witnessed the collision fainted, ending up in the ditch behind the fat bloke. But I had saved the lives of two riders (maybe countless others) who will be joining me on the 1000ks 4 Kids, but the fat bloke has the hump and does not stop banging on about it, but we live to ride another day.

I have recorded Day 2 of the Weekend Qualifier ENJOY!