THE REVIEW…

Are you not entertained!

I did this Blog so that I could keep family and friends back home in the UK up to date on a decision I made when my mother passed away, that was to do something for someone I didn’t know – oh and to lose weight as I was becoming a bit of Porker (minor point but full disclosure). What started as a bit of fun has turned into a Blog that has been read around the world by strangers who have taken to my weird sense of humour . I have enjoyed writing this blog and I have written it so that it can be easily transferred to book, theater or the big screen (just putting it out there) and I’m glad the Legends have followed it and haven’t minded an alternative view. To sum up my thoughts, I could not put it any better than this Skippie in the epic historical drama Gladiator, starring Russell Crow who sums it up quite elegantly,

Oh, ignore the dead bodies, assorted weapons of death, blood splattered gladiatorial arena, an abrupt end to slavery, spitting and the throwing of a sword into the crowd.

So, a rundown of the 2019 Camp Quality 1000ks 4 Kids – A Newbies’ View.

The application of Ozzie Butt Cream among the Legends was an acceptable practice regardless of location or time of the day. Never has it been okay to shove your hand down the front of your knicks and massage your genitalia in public. For this very reason and for the sake of my younger readers, I renamed the practice and the cream to the application of Australian Essential Oils.
The teams run by King, Fat Bloke and Shirley Temple made the cut in the golf, with Shirley Temple ending up the winner – very dodgy if you ask me. Everyone else wanted to hit Movie World for the day as the roller coasters looked awesome but golf it was.
Graceful dismount at the beginning of 1000ks for Kids copping a fine but so did Fatty, and his dismount wasn’t so graceful, apparently. As an aside, Fatty, who is a Yellow jersey fell off his bike more time than my good self – just stating the facts.
Tough climb up to the NSW border which was character building, but the descent was enjoyable.
First puppet show at Dungay Primary School was an eye-opener and the kids’ reaction was priceless. Donated $300 and the welcomed the Legends received was fantastic, you could hear them cheering down the road!
Day 2 was tough going, and in the last 10k the Constipation broke up into smaller groups and was at times dangerous especially with the strong headwind. Got through it without any accidents which was good, but it was a tough day, and we learnt from it.
Interesting fact: if I were to place Cavendish bananas end to end while cycling 1000ks 4 Kids it would take 5,697,412 bananas to get from Helensvale to the Bradford Hotel.
By Day 3 the skin on my backside resembled that of a wombat, bloody hell it was sore. I’m not going to break the law, ending up in prison!
Caught up in out of control bush fires on the last 10ks of the route into Grafton – smokers cough started.
The Doc refused to give medical advice to Dishy for a sore arse but prescribed a tablespoon of cement. I think he got sick of us Googling medical conditions as he often muttered “worlds gone mad, everything’s Google, when I was a young doctor you had to Read It – Practice It – -Show It, now its Google It – Do It – Upload It” – that’s progress Dr Google.
Locked into a PUB due to bush fires, so to stop drinking the Legends played touch footie resulting in injuries especially the Firerie who went with Dr Google for an X-ray.
Watched the Ashes with a room full of Skippies. Threw my teddies out of my pram and went to bed early to the sounds of “Barmy Army, Barmy Army”, copping a fine for leaving a full cheeky.
The Legends have a battle cry of “At Dawn – We Ride”, but we now have a 2^nd, “Bus, Bus, Bus, Bus, Bus…….”.
Disappointed in not doing the hill climbs planned by King on Days 4 & 5, it would have been bloody tough but we all wanted the challenge – it would have been the best tasting cheeky in the pub at the end of it.
Tribute Day was always going to be tough for me, but I spent it with a group of people who have their own story. I thank each person on the 1000ks 4 Kids ride for making it a very special day, one I will never forget.
The Karaoke night will go down in Camp Quality folk law. I was in a town I had never heard of, in a pub I didn’t know existed, with a bunch of people I hardly knew singing bloody Karaoke – that was a night I will never forget as this bunch of extraordinary people know how to celebrate LIFE.
Gone from out of control bush fires to MINUS BLOODY THREE in the space of a day (with the headwind it felt colder!)
Rolled into Rocky River Primary school for the puppet show which was great and one of the teachers had a pet lamb, bit weird but I recon they get a new lamb every year. If anyone remembers Logan’s Run from 1976, when you reached 24 you went on the Carousel never to return. Well, when this lamb reaches one, it goes to a FARM for a holiday.
Reached 78ks on a pushy but its relative as measurements can sometimes be out, just ask King, his elevation estimates were a constant 30% under.
The landscape went from green to brown and it brought home how tough these rural farmers are doing it. You watch the reports on the news from the comfort of your home and give it about 30 minutes of your time, but I have seen first hand how dry God’s Own Country has become and how tough our farmers are actually doing it.
Nemingha Primary School for another puppet show in a school of 28 kids, farmers kids who had saved money from a drought donation to buy Lego for kids, who in their own words, are doing tougher than themselves – emotional and puts things into perspective.
Team CSA staged a Coup and replaced Dishy with Brad our cycling machine as Captain as we needed someone who wasn’t going to cough up a lung.
I was the first rider to reach the top of the Chilcotts Creek climb, I found it tough going as we had a headwind, but I reached the top of the Great Dividing Range with an elevation of 673m over 6ks (I took the elevation from the signpost at the top as Kings understanding of elevation is somewhat confused).
I now have a new bench mark for knackered, as I was bloody Cream Crackered. Now I grant you getting up at 5 AM, cycling all day, having a presentation night accompanied by far too many cheeky’s might have taken its toll – I think we should rename the ride to 1000ks (& 100 cheeky’s) 4 Kids.
Very special moment cycling into the Bradford Hotel with my teammates to finish the best cycling experience I have had and to see Sarah & Lo there to welcome me home was absolutely brillyent! (Corby for brilliant).
At the start of this ride I hardly knew any of the riders apart from a friendly Hi on a Saturday morning during training at the local coffee shop and I now find myself part of a bigger family, Camp Quality’s 1000ks 4 Kids – some may mistake it for a cult but She Sells Sanctuary – see what I did there, bloody genius.
A huge thank you to all the riders and support crew who made this ride life changing and accepting a Pome (Cotswold Chris kept quiet which is understandable as he is ginger as well as being a Pome). Now I must say I copped a lot on the ride especially when you call Sun Screen, Suntan Lotion but I think I blended in as a Skippie pretty well.

And some acknowledgments

To the Carbon Fibre Stallion the ride was memorable, sore but memorable – my thanks to The Mechanic.
Team CSA. We trained together, throughout we supported each other and of course bought rounds of cheeky’s without question. We concentrated on completing the ride as a team and didn’t get detracted from our goal by drumming up votes for jerseys or trying to prove we were the best team – gentlemen we are the best team by a country mile. So to the individuals that made up the collective;
- Dishy – you are our Captain and others neglected to recognise your efforts to help out wherever possible but your choice of motivational activities can be at times construed as questionable – by the way my global audience the Coup was staged (if you hadn’t guessed).
- Good Pete – knackered knee, still don’t understand why you insisted on rubbed oranges into it (weirdo) and read old fashioned books with a miner lamp you old fart, bloody good cyclist though.
- Bad Pete – wouldn’t shut up or stop eating or drinking and we all knew its you with the unnatural flatulence problem but a good cyclist that insisted on steaming off ahead if the opportunity arose, bloody pioneers.
- Brad – bloody cycling machine that warranted a Yellow jersey, made a good Captain for our day at the front of the Constipation and thanks for getting me up those hills, cheers fella.
- Ben – bloody legend fella apart from being a PM. In the line of bad people in this world you have Serial Killers, Estate Agents then PMs, you done well in my book and you were a calming influence on Bad Pete.
To Fat Bloke and Shirley Temple, thanks for supplying me with material for my global audience.
To King & Queen, you both put 12 months into planning this ride each year and you have created something very special and raising $400k for kids and their families battling with a Cancer diagnosis is humbling – THANK YOU.
How can I forget Jacko, now this kid is a Camp Quality kid and his battle, which he overcome, has left him 50% blind. Jacko was the official photographer and did all the drone work on the ride – absolute Legend Jacko, you are a great person and your work is brillyent! Check him out at 50/50 Vision on Facebook and if you are from Newy hire him he’s bloody good – bumps into things a lot but good.
The support crew who just made things happen and are the unsung heroes on the ride as they are the first up – used to say were the last to bed but that’s not true.
The two ladies on the side of the road dressing up as chickens, bananas, 70s porn stars, Wally, 80s bands and having a cheeky on the side of the road at the entrance to each town – oh I would like to point out 50% of the time these two were lost!
The Yellow jerseys for keeping everyone safe on the road and I appreciate you putting yourselves in danger to help riding groups on Day 2.
To Dishy for convincing me to do this ride – cheers mate.
I would like to thank Family and Friends who sponsored me on this ride, to my Ozzie mates who own businesses that stumped up the cash for my jersey – we raised $4,904. Add that to the rest of the 1000ks 4 Kids team and there is now over $400k going to families struggling with a Cancer diagnosis in the form of camps so that kids can be kids.
To my wife and daughter thanks for putting up with me and giving me the space to complete this ride – I love you both very much. Oh it should be noted that the wife was my editor and the Man Flu Bell was some of my best work if your asking.
I will be finishing this Blog after the Reunion and at that point I will let you know what my next steps are. I may become a cycling journo or cycling Blogger or director – who will play me in the film I wonder?
Finally, to the guys at Relive for producing the video below from my 10 segments, I give you 1000ks 4 Kids in full for your visual pleasure. Oh the pause and the long straight bit is where we caught the Bus, Bus, Bus, Bus, Bus……